My Hell
i feel like i’m puttin myself thru this kind of hell. i need to stop. it needs to end. but i really don’t know how. is it even supposed to end? is God trying to tell me something? usually when i ask for a sign, i get them right away. i’m not tryna rush God, but maybe i was searching to hard for something that was right in front of me the entire time. i mean, i’m happy. i’m lonely as all hell but i’m happy. i’m not sad that my heart is torn in to a million pieces, more or so sad that i’m alone… i dont like being alone but i need it. this is my hell. i tell myself “mo, don’t look” or “mo, its none of your business” but i really want to know sometimes. maybe i want to know if i’m thought about or missed or whatever. or maybe i’m asking for to much and giving to little. another go? is that what it comes down to? is that what is wanted? man… what about what i want! nonetheless i want him. i might be reading to much into it but there are signs just like before. should i ask him? i really think he’s fucking with me. i knew i should have just never looked but i did and now it makes me wonder. what is it gonna take for us to get it right? they say if life didn’t have its ups and downs, then you’d be dead. like a lifeline. i wonder if love is the same way. all i know is, my happiness comes first, and i gotta love me before i can start to love someone else. i have to rent a room in hell (poem spoiler) until God can send someone who will save me.
